Dating and Christians

Excerpt : A Christian has a Bible as a guidebook to his love life. Nonchristians are not expected to be following it, so you'll have to make with them whatever arrangements work for you. Expect them, however,

A Christian has a Bible as a guidebook to his love life. Nonchristians are not expected to be following it, so you'll have to make with them whatever arrangements work for you. Expect them, however, to respect your limit to hold off on having sex with you until marriage.

The King James Version of 1611 was made when marriage was more biblical, although by the same token more old fashioned. Our new and improved English versions were made by translators of our own times and so perhaps less biblical. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I use the KJV.

Starting in Genesis, Adam was interested in the woman God had made for him; he saw where she came from and what she was for. Therefore a man should leave father and mother to cleave to his woman, and the twain shall become one flesh. The leaving and cleaving is what we call going out, spending some time together as a couple. Becoming one flesh is biblical terminology for marriage, what happens there.

As Christians we're obligated by Romans 14 to avoid "doubtful disputations" but get along with other Christians who behave differently. If, say, we have a stronger faith that allows us to do things which a weaker brother's conscience would not permit, we are to happily have our own faith quietly to ourselves, not putting a stumbling block in the weaker brother's way. The weaker brother on his part is not to go out of his way to find something to judge the stronger brother for.

First Corinthians 7 instructs that single brothers and sisters be permitted to marry. There is necessarily a courtship stage before marriage, so it's expected there will be various courtship customs develop. Suppose Christians of various levels of faith accept fewer or more of these customs depending on their faith. Furthermore, suppose that it doesn't divide out even between the sexes; say that some men will take the high end and some women the low. Won't we have to either violate Romans 14 by forcing a weaker sister to violate her conscience or a stronger brother to cancel his liberty, or else prevent the possibility of marriage altogether as their practices are incompatible with each other?

In the Benjamite War at the end of Judges, the tribes had a doubtful disputation where the majority sinned "because we reserved not to each man his wife in the war" (Judges 21:22). They had made rules whereby the men of Benjamin could not obtain wives. Their answer was, first, there were some villages that didn't participate in the conflict; they could at least be flexible enough to accommodate the men. Second, what wives were still needed, the men could pick up at dances where their liberty would be respected.

Applied to a modern church age, if you find yourself at odds with a church over courtship practices, then go find a church(es) that can accommodate your beliefs and there meet the

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ones to pursue. If you need more action, then meet someone at a dance where the weaker brethren are not to go out of their way to judge you.

Dating proper was invented in the book of Esther where a king met a wide range of available maidens, the ones he particularly liked, he called up for dates (ch. 2:14b), and the one he loved most (Esther), he made queen. Esther herself used this invention to negotiate with the king to get her request, she made a lunch date with him. We see here the purpose of prearrangement which enabled God to advise the king in a dream going along with the first commandment to love God first of all. We see a couple as opposed to a group, shown by Haman trying to bond one-on-one with Esther at the banquet, going along with the second commandment to love one's neighbor as oneself. The physical bonding--touching, holding--allows the sexes to bond with each other

In Ruth the indirect negotiation for her hand in marriage was made at a specific place set up for major transactions: at the city gate in the presence of the elders. In our society such a place set up for these necessary negotiations is a, elders + gate = date.

This follows from the lesson of First Corinthians 7. While a Christian's marriage to an unbeliever is contingent on the unbeliever's willingness to stay in it, a Christian's marriage to another Christian is to be binding unto death. In order to prove our own and the other's ability to commit, we need a device that allows us to enter, modify and exit commitments. The date serves this purpose. One enters commitments on a date, and modifies or withdraws from them on other dates. That gives us liberty and a proving ground. If there were no place for this to be done--a date--, then how can one tell when he or the other is ending a commitment or just violating it?

In (Prov. 18:24) "A man that hath friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother." There is such a thing as a girlfriend, a non-platonic friend. As friendship requires effort, one's friends end up in a pyramid scheme, the best ones in the narrow group at top. If you try to date only your best friends, you risk ruining the valuable friendship without increasing your dating pool very much. If you follow the scheme of Esther, you'll be dating from the larger pool of acquaintances.

In the Song of Solomon we see a mother's influence on her daughter on dates, and that she is not despised for kissing her beau.

These are the lessons from the Old Testament. The New Testament is a bit easier to follow and apply.

Copyright © 2006, Earl S.Gosnell III

This article was written by Earl Gosnell, an ordained minister of the United Congregation of Friends. He elaborates more on this and other themes on his personal website http://www.n7nz.org

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