Dating Red Flag #1: Blaming Others When Things Go Wrong

Excerpt : Blame is an art form in our culture. Pointing fingers and looking "outside", rather than "inside", when facing unpleasant outcomes, is a sign of emotional immaturity and lack of self-responsibility.

Blame is an art form in our culture. Pointing fingers and looking "outside", rather than "inside", when facing unpleasant outcomes, is a sign of emotional immaturity and lack of self-responsibility.

In relationship, blaming others is a lose-lose equation. The blamer remains defiant, in denial, overtly or passively aggressive and inconsiderate, while the blamed often reacts with guilt, shame, resistance, resentment, confusion, frustration, anger, and/or isolation.

Blame is a red flag, devoid of genuine understanding and the real working through of conflict resolution. In a "conscious" relationship, partners are cognizant of the needs hidden in their blaming and are open to expressing these needs to one another. Blame is often an indication that the one who is blaming is crying out to have some need (or needs) met. The person who is blaming is relating

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as a victim and a child, challenged by feeling helpless, fearful and out of control. Blame is the way an adult "cries like a child." It's an attention-getting device, i.e., underneath the blame is an attempt to gain some degree of recognition, control or security. Blame is a red flag demanding a white flag of surrender from another. The "blame game" has no winner; only losers.

(c) 2005, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. All rights in all media reserved.

---ABOUT THE AUTHOR---
Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, is co-founder of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta, GA firm specializing in coaching, counseling and facilitating. Peter's expertise focuses on personal, business and relationship coaching. He is a professional speaker and published author. For more information about his services, email Peter at pvajda@spiritheart.net

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