Speed-Dating Diaries: The Jolly Green Giant

Excerpt : Predate Mingle: Boy, there are a lot of singles here. I had no idea there'd be this many other bachelors. Sure, I expected some of these guys to show up -- Count Chocula hasn't had a date in

Predate Mingle:

Boy, there are a lot of singles here. I had no idea there'd be this many other bachelors. Sure, I expected some of these guys to show up -- Count Chocula hasn't had a date in centuries. Chef Boyardee's never done well with the ladies, and that Trix bunny -- word is, he's still a virgin. Silly rabbit. Chicks are for kids.

And don't even get me started on those Keebler elves. They're here 'looking for women'... riiiiight. We all know what's going on in that oak tree, fellas. You're not fooling anybody.

Still, there's some real competition here, too. Louis Rich? Jimmy Dean? Oscar Mayer? Jesus, it's like a sausage factory in here.

And that Mayer guy -- the rumor is... well, you know. His bologna's got a first name and a last name, if you know what I mean. If those guys snatch up all the hot chicks, it's really gonna boil my broccoli.

Suddenly, I'm having second thoughts. But they're ready to start, so what the hell. Into the frying pan, I guess.

Session #1: Mrs. Buttersworth

Nice woman, I suppose, though a little old for me. Turns out she's a widow; Mr. Buttersworth died a few years back, in a freak molasses accident. Seems like she's desperate to find another man; the vibe I got from her was all clingy and sticky-sweet.

I think she'd be tough to handle, except in small doses.

Session #2: Betty Crocker

Jeez, another gal past her prime. She could be my grandmother, for the love of leafy lettuce!

At least she doesn't come with a lot of baggage -- though how an old-fashioned woman like her could stay single this long makes me wonder. I thought maybe she's lesbian -- but look at those clothes. An apron? And a bonnet? Nah. They'd laugh her right off the field hockey team.

Must be something else. Something scary in her past. I don't need that kind of train wreck. Next.

Session #3: Wendy

Hrm. Cute. Redhead. Freckly. Jailbait.

Jeez, do they not check IDs for these things? I can't even look this girl in the pigtails without feeling like a dirty old man. Leave her on the vine, man; this one's not ripe yet.

Man, that'll soften up the old celery stick. Speaking of which, I could sure use another Bloody Mary. Bartender!

Session #4: Mrs. Paul

Great, another widow. Is it all 'dented cans' in this place, or what? I don't think I'm being overly picky; it's not like I'm only looking for a thirty-foot tall girl with green

Also see : Asian Girls Online Dating - Asian Girls Will Give You A Confidence Booster ! Asian Girls Dating is becoming very popular. Most of us have different levels of confidence. I´m sure you have met a variety of confident types....read more Dating Tips For Men: Buying Gifts For Your Date Knowing the right gifts to give when dating can be challenging for most men. After all, whoever figured out what women really want? Although the...read more How To Find A Dating Web Site That Is Right For You Today Starting From Scratch So at last you're sick and tired of the bar scene, and now you want to find a dating web site that's right for you, but you don't know where to...read more Personals - Comparing Online Dating w/ Traditional Traditional dating versus online dating When you are single and you wish to place yourself on the dating market, you should first consider what...read more Religious Dating - Traditions and Values Dating someone with the same religious beliefs as you, can often result in a rewarding relationship where both you and your partner can share in the...read more The Steps To Dating Heathy long term relationships do not develop properly when two people skip very important steps in relationship building, especially during the...read more

skin. Just give me something to work with here.

Still, Mrs. P. does make a mean fish stick. She may be a little wilted and brown around the edges, but you can't argue with good cooking. I'll put her on the 'maybe' list.

Session #5: Sue Bee

Now we're talking -- this girl is hot like a bagful of jalapenos! And the costume getup doesn't hurt, either.

Oh, sure -- now she takes offense when I ask whether her clothes are 'tandoori and curry' Indian or 'we call it maize' Indian. Lady, I'm sitting here in a toga made from fricking leaves. Get over yourself, already.

But no. Now it's the silent treatment for the next five minutes. C'mon, it was a joke! I'm freezing my peas off over here. Bitch.

Session #6: Clabber Girl

Creeping cauliflowers, she introduces herself that way? Damn, no wonder she can't get a man, if she--

Oh. Wait. Clabber Girl. I thought she said Clapper Girl, like she'd contracted... um, yeah. How awkward is that?

Lucky for me, the session got cut short by a commotion at the bar. Seems Mrs. Buttersworth had been hanging out with St. Pauli Girl all night, got herself hammered, and propositioned the bartender with a three-way with her sister Jemima. *shudder*

Yow. I could have gone a whole harvest without picturing that.

Session #7: Sara Lee

Wow, what a cutie. This is what I came here for! Great girl, fantastic smile, fun to talk to, quick on her feet -- there's just nothing wrong with this lady. She can cream my niblets any day.

Of course, from what my buddy Dinty Moore tells me, that's the problem. The way he tells it, nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. She's bumped Brussels sprouts with half the guys on the shelves -- Mr. Peanut, Mr. Clean, even Poppinfresh. That pasty little dough boy got to see her 'hee-heee!' before I did. It's just not fair.

Eh, screw it. At this rate, I'll never find a girl. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the corn field with a tub of Cool Whip and a Butterball turkey.

You, um... you might want to knock first. I may be jolly, but a green giant has needs, you know?

Charlie Hatton is an overzealous blogger and aspiring standup comedian offering smart, sophisticated humor about life, language, and the size of his naughty bits. He writes near-daily and mostly randomly at Where the Hell Was I?

66666 Also Check These Out : Advice On Dating: It's Not Always Easy Dating can be a very stressful and exciting ordeal, depending on how you handle different situations. First dates can be extremely stressful...read more Atlanta Singles Dating: How to Stop Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places In our search for healthy relationships, many of us seem to find a few not-sogreat ones along the way. This is simply how we learn about...read more Dating Tips on How to Talk to Single Women: Take An Inventory of Yourself Before you'll be meeting new single women for love and romance, take an inventory of the things that are important to you, and that you'd like to...read more Enhance Your Chance for Summer Romance - Dating Advice for Women Are you entering the summer season single? Imagine a summer filled with light-hearted fun, flirting and meeting many new dating prospects. Sound...read more From Dud to Dating Success - How to Avoid the 5 Most Common Chat-up Blunders Before you can even get to first base with your new found lust object you have to negotiate the difficult and nerve wracking chat-up process. Study...read more Mistakes Men Make When Online Dating The mistakes men make when online dating are spoiling there chances dramatically. Men already outnumber women by 2 to 1 so they need every advantage...read more Personals and 5 Steps To Safer Online Dating Safer Online Dating: When Safety Really Counts Most in Dating Since its inception, online dating services has remarkably gained popularity in...read more Personals - Online Dating Site Reviews Online Dating Services Reviews: Know More, Learn More In many areas, reviews are extremely important to give people certain insights of the...read more Seniors and Dating Are you A Single Senior Dating and Seeking A Relationship? But Your Family and Family Are A Little Too Nosy? Here's some advice for Senior...read more The Secret Behind Human’s Comfort Zone & the Novelty Attraction - Dating Advice for Men Why do we shy away from facing reality? Why do we mask the truth with a lie? Come to think of it, all of us as humans love to live in our own...read more

More Dating Articles

Online Dating & Personals | sitemap
Partners : Online Advertising | Internet Advertising | Web Advertising | Free Advertising | Internet Advertising
copyright www.onlinedatingservicessite.info 2008