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The Dating Challenge: How to Make It Happen with a WomanExcerpt : Dating women is a complex and, for many men, baffling challenge. I've been studying and writing about the subject of dating and romance for several years. Men face many obstacles in the dating arena. Dating women is a complex and, for many men, baffling challenge. I've been studying and writing about the subject of dating and romance for several years. Men face many obstacles in the dating arena. In my conversations with lonely or dissatisfied men, several areas stand out as being consistent problems that get in the way of dating success. One of the most common challenges is how to make romance happen; how to move the ball down the court. Many men who struggle to be successful in dating complain that they don't know how to create romance. Although they meet women who seem to show interest, they often get confused about where they are in the dating process and what to do next. Consequently, they make foolish mistakes and, in the end, cause promising dating opportunities to go south. Dating instruction typically pays short shrift to this important topic. Women consistently complain that many men are clueless, forever missing signals or doing things out of the natural order, putting the cart before the horse as the saying goes. Clearly, what these men need is a system that clarifies where they stand at any moment and what to do next. My associate, Neil Grossman, and I created just such a system which we call the Courtship Continuum. It starts the moment a man notices or meets a woman and proceeds through nine easily managed stages, culminating in a sexual encounter. Here’s how it works: At each stage of the Courtship Continuum, we define a goal that will move the process forward, and we suggest what action to take to achieve that goal. Understand, a goal is not an outcome. A man must be accepting of whatever reaction the woman has to the action he initiates. Although women’s reactions vary, they all fall into one of three categories: positive, neutral, or negative. The quality of her reaction determines his response, so the process works like so: The man formulates a goal upon which to take action. Then, he interprets her reaction and decides what to do next. We describe this process as an action/ reaction/response model. The following is an example of the model, focusing on a man’s first goal: to get the woman’s attention Let’s say you’ve noticed an attractive woman. The first step in capturing her heart is to get her attention. Your goal at this stage is to get the woman to see and acknowledge you. You do this
by making eye contact with her. Here is the action you must take: When at a
distance, place yourself in her line of sight. Initiate steady eye contact with her, and
hold your gaze for a moment. Then, smile warmly and openly and give her a nod.
This communicates your interest in a confident, non-threatening way.
Her reaction will fall into one of three
categories: A Positive Reaction is one in which she demonstrates interest. She may look at you and smile or give you quick darting glances. She may look first at you, then down, smiling shyly; a sign of submission. Notice if her body language is open to you. Are her arms opened or folded? Her body may be pointing toward you. She may sit up more straight. A Neutral Reaction may simply mean she hasn’t yet noticed you. Though sometimes difficult to recognize, consider it a neutral reaction if it is not clearly positive nor negative. A Negative Reaction is easy to spot: She deliberately averts her eyes, looking up and away. Her face is cold or passive. She may close her arms or abruptly turn away. So, what should your response be? If her reaction is positive: Approach her immediately. Don’t wait for the ideal moment. The time to act is now. If you are already standing next to her, just say hi and start a conversation. If her reaction is neutral: either try again to initiate eye contact or simply make your approach. If you receive a negative reaction: don’t take it personally. You have no idea what’s in her head. There is an infinite number of possible reasons. Whatever her reason, just accept that she’s not interested and look for someone else. There you have one complete step in creating romance. Applying our action- reaction-response model leaves a man in control of his romantic life. It’s a great confidence builder. This first step would be followed by eight more steps: approaching her, building rapport, asking for her number, asking her out on a date, planning and carrying out a casual date, a romantic date, a first kiss, and a first sexual encounter. At each step, there are obvious actions to take. The important thing to remember is that it is her reaction to his action that determines his next step. By anticipating her possible reactions and choosing ahead of time how he will react, he avoids blundering, looking foolish and ruining his chances. As he proceeds methodically through the eight remaining steps in creating romance, he does so with the confidence that comes from being in charge and being comfortable with any outcome. Jeff McCoy is one of the founders of Hindsight Solutions and the co-author of Mastering Attraction, the Essential Guide to Dating Success for Men. Jeff is a journeyman educator and curriculum developer with a Master of Arts degree in educational technology. His belief that all people can create the kind of life they desire drives his commitment to provide the tools that make it possible. More information may be found at http://www.masteringattraction.com
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