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The Internet Dating Rollercoaster: 7 Ways to Even Out the RideExcerpt : THE FIRST BIG STEP You have made the big decision. You have signed up with one of the internet dating sites and are not alone. 80% of people over 38 who are actively seeking relationships are using THE FIRST BIG STEP You have made the big decision. You have signed up with one of the internet dating sites and are not alone. 80% of people over 38 who are actively seeking relationships are using the internet to meet potential partners. But no one really tells us how to deal with it. It is a new phenomenon in our lives and certainly very different to being introduced by a friend or meeting through shared interests. You have spent hours pouring over your profile and have even had a couple of friends look at it for you. You have tried to hone every facet of your personality into a few paragraphs, attempted some humour and tried to be open (but not too revealing!) you have tinkered for long enough and have posted yourself along with those thousands of others. Perhaps you have also been brave enough to find a photograph – they say it makes a big difference to the numbers of replies that you receive. 1. Congratulations - this is a bold step. Now stay in charge of the process ANTICIPATION, ANTICIPATION, ANTICIPATION However hard you try to be realistic everyone, on registering, will have some level of excitement at the anticipation of meeting someone on-line. We have heard all the stories, perhaps you have a friend or colleague who has met someone special this way and you want it to happen for you, too. You initially scan through the pages of potential people and begin to build up fantasies about who these people might be, and whether they might be interested in you. All this creates quite a head of steam and your rollercoaster ride has begun. Initially you find yourself logging on often to see if you there are any messages. 2. Put some boundaries around the time that you spend on the internet. It can easily become a compulsion. SHALL I WAIT OR SHALL I POST - SENDING MESSAGES So are you going to wait to see if people respond to your profile or wait until someone sends a message to you? The halfway house is tagging someone as a “favourite” (or whatever that particular site’s version of this is). Inevitably, and this is particularly difficult for women, you decide to send a message. For some reason there is still, even in this internet age, a notion that the men should make the first approach and women worry about being seen as too pushy/forward if they send the first message. Here is a good moment to pause. Think about it, you have signed up; the purpose is to meet someone. That is the aim of the site so why would you play the role of reluctant flower and wait for someone to choose you? 3. Always be THE CHOOSER, there is a difference between being pro-active on your own behalf and being pushy. Learn the difference and respond to the people who welcome this. THE WAITING GAME - GETTING/NOT GETTING RESPONSES Now you may expect it to happen all at once, in fact some people find that when you are new to a site there will be a flurry of activity. Watch this, there are many who scan for new people and will ‘flirt’ with anyone even without reading your profile. Take it slowly in the beginning, yes it is beginning to feel like the rollercoaster is going up at a fast rate. A ‘real person’ has responded to you, so it must mean something. No -unfortunately it doesn’t mean anything at this stage. Here is where you really need to keep the emotional brakes on. It is so easy to build up the fantasies into really big bells and whistles visions of your future together. On the other hand there might be a giant silence from the other end of the net; can you feel the rollercoaster taking a dive? Above all remember to live a life whilst you are waiting. Don’t stay in all evening next to the computer in the hope that a reply will come through. Isn’t it inevitable that the person you may have sent a message to has a life too and they have not seen your message yet or had the time to consider a response? Just because you have sent a
message doesn’t mean that you will get a response. Sad but true, you will soon learn that many people on these sites never respond and are just there to browse. Also not everyone who has a profile is a paid up subscriber to the service. 4. Stay realistic, get on with your life and have the internet site be just one of the things that you are doing to meet possible dates. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT - INAPPROPRIATE RESPONSES Yes it happens more often than we all would like, especially to women. That completely inappropriate response to your initial message, either it is over the top sexual innuendos or the other person is in love with you already and wants to meet you immediately. Time for those rollercoaster brakes again. Obviously the sexual innuendo may appear flattering but is this the first expression of interest you would like? Similarly someone who wants to immediately meet is probably erring on the ’too eager‘ side and your antennae should be up. 5. Don’t fall into the trap that any reply is better than no reply at all. If it does not feel appropriate to you for whatever reason do not pursue. CAN THEY BE BOTHERED – LACKLUSTRE RESPONSES But much of the time you will probably receive rather lacklustre responses. This can be a disappointment in itself. After all, you have tried to send them an interesting, maybe witty reply with some questions and are hoping to find out more about them. What you get back neither responds to your questions nor asks anything about you. So why would you be interested in someone who is clearly not interested in you? 6. Don’t hope that this person will change. If they are not interested in you right now, when will they be? Ditch the boring ones immediately. Don’t settle for less than you really want. IS IT ME? How are you feeling now? I imagine a bit battered. You have been up and down that rollercoaster a number of times, you don’t know how long the ride is and you want to get off. So do give yourself a break. You don’t have to keep going endlessly. In fact when you start out decide how long you are going to subscribe for. In the beginning 3 months might be long enough and then have a break. More importantly remember that your success with internet dating is not about who you are but about how you approach the whole experience. You can feel vulnerable, after all you have put yourself out there in front of goodness knows how many people. If you have not been successful it is not about you as a person but about the randomness of the whole internet dating process. Because of that it is essential that you hold the process as lightly as you can. By this I mean not allowing the rollercoaster to govern how you feel about yourself. 7. Remember these people don’t know you but just a 10 second impression of who they think you are. Stay bold and authentic to yourself. HOW TO IRON OUT THE LUMPS & BUMPS If you want to have a less bumpy ride stay in control of the process. Decide what your boundaries are around the time that you spend online. Focus on the kinds of people that interest you - not just the photographs. Write yourself a list of 5 deal makers and 5 deal breakers for you with internet dating. Ultimately be the one that chooses and remember to take breaks. Remember you are the person your friends know. Trisha Stone, The Singles Coach, works with single women over 40 to enable them to:- Become a Relationship Magnet whilst living their lives as successful singles. Trisha coaches individuals and groups in the UK & internationally. If you would like more information packed articles or course information email Trisha@thesinglescoach.co.uk or visit www.thesinglescoach.co.uk Put the passion back into your life and find the relationship that you really want.
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